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12 Reasons The Amazing Spider-Man should have been called The Amazingly Dumb Spider-Douche

August 14, 2012

Rebooting a beloved franchise is dangerous. More dangerous than war, AIDS needles or Mel Gibson. Some fans will always claim the original series is fine as it was, even if the franchise had clearly gone completely off the rails, half the cast are in prison, and the movies are making less money than Greece. Some will bitch that their breakfasts will be raped if they change one damn thing. Because internet movie fans have perspective.

‘A reboot? But I haven’t done my tribute to Judy Garland yet!’

So when Sony decided to reboot Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man… well this time, actually most people were optimistic. It was widely felt that Raimi’s version was done, and a new approach might be cool. Then they saw the movie.

Sony had decided that what people really wanted was a new version of Peter Parker, with a hint of James Dean, aimed more at Twilight fans, and promised everyone THE TRUTH ABOUT PETER’S PARENTS OMG!!!  But what Sony delivered was less Rebel Without A Cause and more Douche-Bag Without A Clue.

(Oh and that stuff about Peter’s parents? That got kinda mostly edited out. Shit happens, thanks for the money)

Admittedly, in the original comic-book origin, when Peter first gains his power, he is a bit of a textbook case of  ‘pride before a fall’  for about two pages, before he inadvertently gets his Uncle killed to death, and learns that thing about the Great Power with all the Responsibility, and goes back to being the basic Good Kid he was before, but with added ‘dead-relative-inspired-drive.’  It worked in the comics for about fifty years like that.

Whereas this movie was like, ‘Why not make him an unlikable stupid douche-bag all the way through? People love stupid douche-bags!’

A stupid douche-bag unable to do the Spider-Man hand thing, yesterday

So how is this Parker a stupid douche-bag? Some examples….

#1. Aw Didn’t Poor Little Petey Get Cheap Chocky-Milk?
After some familial strife, Peter storms out and goes to a store to get some… chocolate milk. What is he, seven? Anyway it seems Pete just has a pocket full of small change, the kind of thing store owners find super-cute, and is two cents short. The admittedly jerky store guy won’t let him off the two cents, (probably cheap-ass Parker is pulling this stunt all the time)  but… hey Parker guess what? You do not have enough cash for your milky treat, and you are not entitled to a discount. If he gives you cheap dairy he’s gotta give everyone reduced prices, and he’s out of business, get it?

Hey here’s an idea Pete – Buy a cheaper drink!  Problem solved, dumb-ass.

Apparently not chocolaty enough for some douche-bags. But within their budget.

#2. Haha Jerky-Store Guy Got Robbed. Serves Him Right For Not Letting Me Have Discount!
It’s always been part of Spider-Man’s origin that he allows a thief to get away… with dire consequences. The Raimi movie added that he had just been ripped off by the guy who was robbed, which made sense. But in this movie he happily watches a robber hold up the store with a gun, and is rewarded by the criminal giving him the chocolate milk he wanted. Isn’t that handling stolen goods, Pete? This admittedly is the one scene where Parker should be written to make that fateful selfish mistake, but the way it occurs here, anyone on Parker’s side –  ‘Screw that guy! He wouldn’t let Pete off two cents! Damn right he deserves to be robbed, I hope he gets cancer too!’ – is as much of a douche as Parker. Or needs to seek therapy for rage issues.

If not, let a criminal steal some for you

#3. Lookit My Cool Powers Everyone! Oops I Broke Stuff, lol!
After he gets his powers, what does super-smart Peter Parker do? Recklessly and repeatedly shows them off around school. Now students can be pretty wrapped up in their own little world (scoring drugs, the opposite sex, working out who unfriended them on Facebook) it’s quite unlikely nobody would have noticed one student can suddenly throw footballs hundreds of feet that then bend steel goal-posts. If only because it seems to break the laws of physics, footballs being generally flimsier than metal. And do you think Parker pays for any of the school equipment he breaks? Not this douche, that’s coming out of your tax-dollar.

#4. Now To Start My War On Crime! Beginning With Non-Violent Car-Thieves
Now all-suited up, inspired to make a costume by a wrestler’s mask and some skiing outfits – wait, what? – Spider-Man goes looking for criminals like that one who killed his uncle/gave him the stolen chocolate milk. This apparently includes car thieves, a level of crime usually below Spider-Man, due to its non-violent nature. Like how he doesn’t go after people who illegally download stuff from the internet (though looking at the disappointing grosses on this film, that’s something he might want to look into).

‘If I cry and say I got a little girl, will you let me go like you did Sandman?’
‘Nope, that was the other guy. I’m gonna kick your ass and enjoy it.’

#5. Screw You, Loving Family, I Got Issues!
So Uncle Ben’s dead, and Aunt May is both grieving AND worried where Peter’s going off to every night, coming home covered in bruises. Her nephew’s caring response? ‘Go to bed!’  Wow, what a dick. There is also something about him continually forgetting to buy eggs, but in this instance I’m on Peter’s side. Why can’t you go get some damn eggs yourself May? Just cos your husband got shot dead right there on the sidewalk outside that store… oh wait yeah I get it now, Pete is a douche.

#6. Catches Crooks, Just Like Flies! Also Cops, Beats Them Up Too
Spidey’s often been on the wrong side of the law, but you know what he doesn’t do? Beat up cops. Spider-Douche does though.

‘OK perverts, keep your kinky role-playing games behind closed doors.’

#7. Bing/Google To Search For My Parents? What A Genius Idea I Should’ve Had Ten Years Ago!
Pete always wondered what happened to his parents. But because he’s as dumb as a not very intelligent rock, he’d apparently never thought of searching on the internet. Perhaps Bing has a ‘locate missing parent’ button.. because all the information he needed was right there all along. At this point Pete cries ‘Wow, I am like, such a giant freaking retard!’  Well, he ought to have.

#8. Allow Me To Use My Super Science Genius At This Point. I Haven’t Checked To See If It Makes People Into Giant Monsters, No.
Pete helps arm-deficient scientist Dr Curt Connors with his research into reptiles and/or limbs. Of course this Peter Parker wouldn’t know a formula from Primula, so they have him steal the formula from his dad’s research and pass it off as his own work. Is there anything this asshole won’t steal? I’d count the chalk after he left the room. Anyway, this causes Connors to test it on himself and turn into a monster. Gee Pete, did you stop to think your father hid that research for a good reason? Now look what you done, ass-hat.

You may recognize this ‘person inserts missing part of formula’ scene from a dozen other lame movies.

#9. Yes My Camera Has ‘Property Of Peter Parker’ On It. That’s Cos It’s Mine!
Off on the trail of the Lizard, Spidey leaves his camera up so he can take some photos to sell to The Bugle. It doesn’t occur to him to remove the huge ‘PROPERTY OF PETER PARKER’ written on the reverse of the camera, which The Lizard soon finds, reads, and sets off to kill his obviously shit-for-brains opponent.

Dumb ol’ Pete really missed a trick here by not writing ‘Property Of Ashton Kutcher’ on it.

#10. Gotta Tell Police That Connors is Giant Lizard Monster! Evidence Will Just Slow Me Down!
So after getting his ass kicked by The Lizard a couple of times, Parker returns to Oscorp, the world’s worst-guarded hi-tech bio-chemical engineering facility, and via his notes, a pointless computer animation of a man turning into a lizard,  and also in a shock scene that is honestly not meant to be funny, it really isn’t, sees that one of the lab mice has turned into some kind of reptilian cannibal lizard-mouse, Parker realizes Connors = The Lizard! It was actually obvious about a half hour previously, but Pete had Gwen’s sweet, sweet ass on his mind. Anyway, off he runs to tell a disbelieving Captain Stacy.

Hey Pete, perhaps you should’ve brought some evidence with you? The lizard-mouse was right there! Oh screw this moron, I hope he gets shot.

Oscorp – not into the whole ‘ heavy security’ thing

#11. You Stay Here Captain Stacy, Keeping Guard Over The Killer Reptile Monster, And I’ll… You Just Stay There Ok?
It’s all go in Oscorp towers! Gwen, who works there (don’t ask) is in danger of being killed by the Lizard, who wants to turn everyone into lizards (don’t ask) when up shows Spider-Douche, straight from beating up some more cops. He’s been shot in the leg (yay!), but is ok now (boo!). There was a crane scene too, but again, please, do not ask.

Then just as he’s about to get his dumb ass handed to him permanently, Captain Stacy arrives! Alone! Somehow! Without an accompanying SWAT team, and armed only with a  shotgun. With the Lizard momentarily defeated via some shotgunnin’ and some freezing-cold-stuffin’,  Stacy tells Spider-Man to leave him and his little shotgun alone with the BIG GIANT LIZARD MONSTER THING THAT SHRUGS OFF BULLETS AND WILL NOT DIE, as he’s ‘got this.’  Yes, it seems he is as dumb as Spider-Man.

Spider-Man either decides that the situation isn’t ideal, but Gwen and New York must be saved… or more likely thinks, ‘How convenient if the only thing standing between me and getting into Gwen’s pants were to be eaten by a monster at this point.’ and hops off. Cue monster killing Captain Stacy. Oops, who’da thunk it?

‘I don’t need no frickin’ SWAT team – I got a shotgun!’

#12. I Hereby Promise Not To Not Not Stay Away From Your Daughter – Also My Fingers Are Crossed. Are You Dead Yet?
Spider-Man promises the dying Captain Stacy that he will call off Mission: Gwen’s Cherry. (It’s made clear she’s more of a cock-tease than a slut, so let’s assume she’s ‘intacta’  – hell, if we are going to assume stuff, the movie has been trying to convince us she’s 17 when she looks old enough to be a teacher, so I figure we can all pretend whatever we like.)

Pete manages not to take the path of the douche for a few days (there was only a boring cop funeral on that he didn’t want to go to anyway)  before sniggering to Gwen that he is going to break that dumb promise, saying ‘What’s your stupid old dead dad gonna do about it anyway, haunt us?’ and they both laugh, then make out. Ok, that’s not exactly what happened, but it amounts to the same thing. The film ends.

‘It’s okay Gwen, he’s gone and will never threaten us again. Also The Lizard has been defeated’

Now some fools have said, ‘sure but he’s supposed to be a douche in this one, he’ll learn his lessons in the next film!’ How these people have seen the next movie already I don’t know, but I’m quite sure that the film-makers intention with their new Spider-Man reboot was not to have audiences leave the theaters saying ‘wow… that new Spider-Man sure is a stupid douche-bag…’

But if that was the plan, consider this reboot a runaway success.

The Bockingford Kid


3 Comments leave one →
  1. Daniel permalink
    August 23, 2013 7:15 pm

    You’re taking small things and making them seem like a big deal, get a fucking life you loser.


  2. August 23, 2013 7:18 pm

    lol why was there a paragraph on how you thought it was dumb that he got chocolate milk and that he was pissed at the guy


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