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Reg Bailey’s Top 7 Dangers To Kids What He Reckons

June 11, 2011

Reg Bailey asked us if he could spread his word on my blog, with his tips on how to keep kids safe from the dread menace of sexualisation. I told him to piss off, but apparently he has special legal powers now and said if I didn’t let him he’d put me on a list. Over to Reg…

Hi, Uncle Reg here!

People say to me, Reg how come you got to do that report, seeing as you are completely unqualified for such a role. I just laugh, and walk away.

Others ask ‘Mr Baileys, ‘how can I stop my child being ‘sexualised’? I’m not sure what it is, but it sounds bad. I think has something to do with pikeys.”

As I genuinely wrote in my review, ‘The world is a nasty place’ so here’s a few extra tips on how to keep kids be kids forever!

Reg’s  Top Ten  Seven  Dangers To Your Kids!

1.RihannaRIHANNA

By far the greatest threat to our children, Rihanna’s sick music glorifies S&M (Sex and Murder) and umbrellas, which stand between us and the rain which God decided was appropriate that day. Thankfully the government are bringing in legislation to totally outlaw Rihanna, though many fear this will only turn her more dangerous as she seeks revenge on the world that spurned her, like Craig David before her.

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2. SWEETIE NECKLACES

The issue of the sexualization of children is a complex one – but then again, it is very simple. Anything that adults – who have sex, remember – might wear, is thus sexual and inappropriate for children. Of course this means that logically there is very little that children can safely wear, apart from maybe Justin Bieber t-shirts, but jewellery and make-up are right out. To be frank, adult women who wear them are probably sluts anyway

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3.TITS

Not so dangerous to little girls, although on no account should they ever wear a bra with padding to stop chaffing of their budding, pubescent, pink rosebud nip… wait… No the problem here is boys, who it is easy to forget are children too. For them, the sight of breastal substances can turn them into slavering sex-predators incapable of respecting women or not popping to the loo suspiciously with the Freeman’s catalogue every half hour. Tits? NO.

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4.TELEVISION

Worried parents would be wise to destroy any televisions in the house, as many programmes are not suitable exclusively for the under-tens, for some mad reason. If a TV must be present in the house, perhaps because of an elderly relative, look for the ‘Pre-Watershed Channel’ which I am told is much safer for children.

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5. THE INTERNET

Like television but much worse, as it has like a million more channels on it, the Internet is to be feared and used only for emailing TV companies when they let Rihanna on, or to use Mumsnet to influence government policies or Eastenders storylines.

I’m allowed to use it though, as I work for both God and the Government.

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6. PAEDOES

Obvious really, but parents must not forget for one single second of one single day ever that there are deadly paedoes lurking on every corner of every street of every town in the country, especially coastal towns.

If a parent suspects an adult of being a paedo they should consult the Sex Offenders Register. They are not really allowed to do this, but get in touch with me and I’ll have a look for you.

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7. POTENTIAL PAEDOES

Clearly harder to spot, parents must err on the side of caution – ie assume every adult male, especially the ones who look a bit funny, is a paedophile until they prove otherwise, somehow.

Women, religious leaders, and family members are safe of course.

That’s all for now, I am a very busy man now that my review has been so popular amongst everyone. But more must be done, and I’m soon to start on a second study ‘Should People Without Children Really Be Allowed To Vote?

Until next time then,

Reg Bailey, Head Of Mother’s Pride

Er, thanks Reg. Readers may interested in the Facebook page Stop Stop Pimping Our Kids where this feature was first foisted onto us by Reg, and features much similar comments and features about the current worries regarding the sexualisation of kids, and whether they are mostly just a bunch of hooey…

http://tinyurl.com/sspok

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Late edit – wow this page is getting a lot of hits every day – which is possibly down to it being linked on a Lib-Dem Politicians webpage, but possibly more to do with the fact that it has a photo of a lady’s chest, labelled ‘tits.jpg’ which seems to come up quite high on a google search that some people must be doing on that subject. So I’d like to attempt to capitalize on that high quality traffic by adding this little animation I did mocking Reg Bailey’s partners-in-whine Mumsnet. It doesn’t feature any tits sadly, but is still worth a watch, honest. Ok it does have tits, I promise.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Pseudomonas permalink
    June 11, 2011 4:33 pm

    That sspok URL is broken – needs an R in it,

    • June 11, 2011 5:33 pm

      Cheers!

  2. Steve permalink
    May 18, 2012 11:10 pm

    S&M stands for sadism & masochism not sex and murder.
    “their budding, pubescent, pink rosebud nip..” <- I think this guy might be a closet pedo
    It's "pedo" not "paedo"
    "I’m allowed to use it though, as I work for both God and the Government" lolwut?
    It seems like this guy doesn't know anything about TV or the internet, although it is true they will corrupt stupid children if they have crappy parents who don't teach them common sense.
    This definitely provided a good laugh, thanks!

    • June 19, 2012 2:07 pm

      sarcasm is hilarious

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